Ok, so episode 5 inspired me to write a little fan fiction.
We open on Cersei staring out of the tower, a goblet of wine in her hand, preparing for the siege. A messenger, a bird perhaps, enters and whispers into her ear. She nods and places a hand on her stomach. She winces in pain, her belly surprisingly flat.
Dany readies her massive army and receives a raven from Sansa demanding her to step down and let Jon assume the throne. Dany ignores it. She is flanked by Tyrion, John, Grey Worm, the Dothraki, and the Unsullied. Tyrion is worried
Arya and the Hound enter the city to carry out their revenge missions.
Drogon and Khalessi fly around the city to do recon when they encounter Euron’s fleet. The ships begin shooting spears like machine guns, a technology far more advanced than Cersei showed up with last time (muahaha). Spears fly through the sky like bullets and one pierces Drogon’s wing sending Dany plummeting towards the sea. They are completely exposed.
Just then, flaming cannonballs explode through Euron’s ships. Euron is shocked. He looks out and sees none other than our favorite Sapphic sea woman, Yara Greyjoy. Yara takes down Euron’s whole fleet with her great balls of fire giving Dany and Drogon just enough time to recalibrate and fly to safety.
Meanwhile, back at camp, Tyrion finds out that his brother Jaime has been captured. He frees him in exchange for ringing the bells.
Cut to Cersei ordering the removal of all the bells from the city, savage AF.
Now the Mother of Dragons is pissed. She starts strategically burning walls around the city. This sets off an elaborate system of booby traps that ignite massive wildfire catapults that literally backfire on Dany’s armies killing scores of Unsullied, Dothraki and Northmen.
Cersei smiles from her tower, the green flames reflecting in her eyes.
Dany watches in total horror atop her wounded dragon as her loyal legion burns. Her army is gone. Her dragon is severely wounded, and she is madder than hell. Stormborn starts torching the city- all of it.
Jon sees Dany burning innocents and it breaks his heart. He surveys the damage.
Just then, hundreds of Golden Company soldiers storm through the burnt ruins of the walls and charge Jon and what’s left of his army. Jon’s surrender and death are imminent.
Then the BLARING of horns.
Behind Jon, we see a massive expanse of fresh and fancy soldiers led by Sansa and Brienne. They’re flying the Tyrell Banner of High Garden. #bitchesgetshitdone.
Cersei sees Jon’s army replenished and for the nine hundredth times curses that ol’ Tyrell hag, Lady Olenna, who always had to have the last word.
Drogon’s flames start to sputter out. He is struggling. Dany pleads with him to get her to the Red Keep.
Meanwhile, Jamie is on a mad dash to Cersei, but keeps getting held back by various guards.
Jon, Sansa and Brienne push through the city. Innocent people dead everywhere, but still no sign of the Lannister army, only the Golden Company.
Meanwhile, Varys, Master of Whispers, is being escorted through kings landing by a hooded escort.
Jamie gets picked up by Grey Worm and delivered to Sansa and Jon. Sansa orders Jaime to be held prisoner. Jaime will not be captured. He looks at Brienne and she pleads with him to comply. Jaime will not go gently into that good knight. He draws his sword starts cutting down Northmen left and right. Sansa is next.
Jamie lunges at Sansa. ust then Oathkeeper comes down so hard it almost cuts the King Slayer in half. Jamie is killed by Sansa’s sworn protector, Sir Brienne of Tarth. B of T is forced to chooses loyalty over love which is so on brand.
Back at the Red Keep, shipwreck survivor and creeper extraordinaire Euron surprises Cersei. He puts his hand on her womb to caress his unborn spawn, but it’s flat. When he realizes there is no little kraken in there, he becomes enraged. Cersei confesses it was Jamie’s baby anyway and starts laughing at Euron. This makes Euron crazy. He attempts to rip her clothes off. Cersei fights and screams for the Mountain. Euron starts to strangle her. She is about to pass out when the Mountain grabs Euron and, using his signature move, turns his head into soup.
Dany is torching everyone and everything and you’re not sure if Drogon is following orders or just going berserk. Hell hath no fury and all of that.
Cersei lays on the map of Westeros, covered in Euron’s blood. Where her dress is ripped, we see something… a cesarean scar.
Cersei struggles to her feet. She looks out and sees the whole city on fire. The dragon is coming straight for her. She takes a vial from around her neck, pours it into a glass of wine, looks out at Kings Landing and gives one last cheers before she takes a lethal drink.
Cut to Qyburn, Queen Cersei’s Hand and resident Dr. Frankenstein moving through a tunnel under the city carrying something in a basket.
The Hound sees the dragon burning and decides to abandon his fraternal revenge mission to try and save the Starks. The Hound gets to Sansa just as Dany and the Drogon move in.
Drogon torches a group of innocents. Dany makes eye contact with Sansa. Dany is stoned-faced as Drogon spits flames at Sansa and the Hound. The Hound gets to say his favorite four-letter word one last time. Lady Stark and Sandor Glegane are eviscerated in front of Jon and Arya.
Arya and Jon, mad with rage, fight their way to the Red Keep. They are almost there when they encounter three massive Franken-like Lannister soldiers. These guys are hopped up on the same green juice as the Mountain. It becomes clear they both won’t survive this fight. Jon creates a diversion by dropping his sword mid-fight causing all three medieval-looking mutants to pounce on him. Jon is beaten within an inch of his life.
(Meanwhile, Samwell Tarly is in Winterfell cleaning the lint from between his toes.)
Drogon is near death and lands roughly on a roof near the Red Keep. He takes his last dragon breath as Dany walks across his body. She enters the room where the iron throne sits.
She’s finally there. The snowflakes fall around her, the same ones from Season 2, except they are ash. She is alone in the room. She touches the throne. She is catatonic. She turns to take her rightful seat. Just as she is about to sit, she is stabbed through the heart. We do not see her assassin, but we see their weapon – a small, thin sword. Dany bleeds out just steps from the iron throne.
Cersai lies dead on the floor as the city burns.
Jon, completely mangled, stumbles towards the Red Keep. He starts to walk over the bridge that is Drogon’s body. Jon succumbs to his injuries and falls. As he lay dying on the back of a dragon, his hair turns white, like snow, like the Targaryen. A bastard no more.
Maester Qyburn makes it out of the burning city to the beach where he meets up with none other than Lord Varys. Yass Queen. His escort removes his hood to reveal our favorite sellsword, Bron. They are met by Ser Davos and Tyrion.
Tyrion is presented with his niece and the last two living Lannisters in Westeros smile at each other.
“Hello, my queen, ” says Tyrion.
“Hello our queen,” reminds Varys.
The episode ends with a crib where the iron throne used to be. However, the Lannister Lion Banner has been changed to incorporate the banners of multiple houses. On either side of the crib stand the two Hands of the Queen, Lord Varys and Tyrion Lannister. They are guarded by the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, Sir Bron of Blackwater. There is no woolf depicted on the new banner.
Arya Stark heads north on King’s Road – alone.
And just like that, a dwarf and a eunuch have won the game of thrones.
“Power is a curious thing, my lord… Power resides where men believe it resides. It’s a trick, a shadow on the wall. And, a very small man can cast a very large shadow” – Lord Varys